Hello Dear Friends,
It’s been a minute, eh? Well, over a month to be exact. My issue started in the middle of April when I began to experience a Lupus flare. If you are new to my blog, please read click here to see what it’s like to have Lupus. The emotional rollercoaster you experience during and after a flare, to me, is the worst part. At any moment, your mind becomes vulnerable to attacks that you thought you have overcome. Staying strong becomes more difficult by the day, by the hour, by the minute, by the second. Until, finally, you’re sulking in days old dirt because you don’t have the energy to shower.
Your mind begins to play on tricks on you. You begin to wonder what’s the point of fighting if this is going to be your life every few months. Then you begin thinking about the fight, what it entails. The reaching, the clawing, the crying out for help, for redemption, for air, for anything besides physical and mental anguish.
You pick up the phone for support, but then you think, people are tired of hearing the same cries from you…”I’m in pain. I need help. Please pray for me.” Day after day you begin to sink lower and lower into the abyss of self-pity and hopelessness. You cry out asking, God why aren’t you here with me. You softly here Him say, “I AM here with you. I love you, I adore you, I miss you.” But you don’t believe Him because you feel alone, you feel the pain, you want to feel nothing.
Your children look at you with pain in their eyes, trying to figure out when things will go back to normal. Your spouse becomes overwhelmed with work and housework since you are unable to lift a finger. You lay in bed, staring at the ceiling begging God to just end it already. You aren’t made for this life. You aren’t “it”. You wait for the day to magically feel better, but that day never comes.
There are so many things you want to do, but your body and mind won’t let you do it. So you find yourself at step one; growing closer to Christ because he has saved you in the past and he will save you again. But even praying has become a chore. So you pick up your bible, you say the words, hoping, believing that God has sent his Angel warriors to fight whatever is holding you down, even if it’s yourself.
This is it. This is life. This is the fight. Minus all of the outside drama and responsibilties that has to be done because life doesn’t care if you’re sick. Life doesn’t care if you are experiencing mental anguish. Life still happens.