I’m back! Didn’t take long did it, ha! It’s not because I have figured things out and I am back to being able to live life without questioning my own existence. Oh no! It’s quite the opposite. I am back because I continue to doubt and question myself and of course, I feel I am crazier than ever?
I had to remind myself of why I blog in the first place. I am a writer. It is my safe haven and my place of peace. Why did I think I can find peace by cutting out the one thing that helps me? If you look at my description is clearly states, “To share my journey of mental and physical illness while inspiring others along the way” or something like that, since I’m too lazy to double check the exact wording.
So, I asked myself, whats the point of taking a break when I am at my lowest? It is literally defeating the purpose of why I began blogging in the first place.
I can tell you what happened. I got caught up in the logistics of blogging. The “when to” “how to” “what to” of blogging. I began comparing myself to other bloggers, their views, and likes. I obsessively began to check my stats like I was actually getting paid to go this. I did what many of you say “What Not To Do As A Blogger”. It seems everyone has a post like this.
But, I didn’t get into blogging to get paid, although it would be super nice. I got into blogging to save myself from mental illness entrapment. I needed a place to express my feelings, hoping that others would be able to relate and blogging provides that.
I feel I owe the people who come to my blog as inspiration a sincere apology. I was being selfish. I forgot the true integrity of my blog and why I started it in the first place. Am I not being a hypocrite if don’t share the darkest moments of mental illness (which by the way, is my current state)? I became afraid and like a coward, I ran. Just being honest.
Facing scrutiny and judgment while living and telling your truth is expected. This is another reason why I look to God for strength. Also why I want him to use me to touch the lives of those who are going through what I am going through.
Anyway, this is my truth and my journey. Thank you to everyone who left kind comments under my last two post. I will respond to them as soon as I can because right now, it’s 1am and I couldn’t sleep. It is dangerous for someone who is struggling with mental illness (or any illness) to not get enough rest…it will literally make me even more insane (which would explain a lot), and who has time to deal with a manic Ashley?!? I sure as hell don’t.
Love you guys! Stay safe. Please, love one another as God loves you. Pray for one another as the Holy Spirit does for you. And save one another as Jesus did for you (you don’t have to die, but you know what I mean 🙂 )
*Image borrowed from google pics*