mental illness Uncategorized

I Suck At Maintaining Friendships

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I suck at maintaining relationships. Whew! There, I said it out loud. I’m sure people that I used to be friends with would say the same thing. It’s always something I’ve known deep down, but I don’t think I’ve actually admitted it until now.

I would love to say that my failed friendships are completely and utterly the fault of said ex-friends, but I would be lying big time! Some friendships I’ve lost because they were toxic. Some I’ve lost simply because we grew apart. But more than I would like to admit, most friendships were lost because of the depression I would have after a manic episode and my inability to seek the appropriate help.

After going through a manic episode, I would go into a deep depression, completely withdrawing myself from everyone; friends, family, co-workers, etc. This was not intentional of course. I would just become a recluse. Now, most people would allow me to wallow in my own misery without a second thought for my concern. But there were a few people who really tried to be a great friend during my moments of severe depression, but eventually, they would feel neglected and leave the friendship, which I totally understand. Afterwards, I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I wouldn’t contact them anymore. Regrettably, I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life this way.

pexels-photo-207896.jpegOddly enough, I’ve never been upset with them. I know it is hard to be friends with someone who suffers from severe depression and bipolar disorder. We can be unpredictable. How can I expect anyone to understand what I am going through if I don’t even understand what I’m going through? I mean, honestly, I don’t expect anyone to put up with it. A person can only take so much rejection. Maybe, I’ve never pursued a failed friendship because I know they do not deserve to be shut out of my life just because I’m going through a rough time.

Truly, I don’t think that I’m a very good friend. I love all of my friends, past, and present. Especially the ones that were there for me during some of my dark times and I will always hold them close to my heart.

If you are reading this and we stopped being friends due to my inability to function because of my mental illness, please forgive me. I want you to know that I did love you and appreciate you and it was nothing that you did. It sounds cliche, but it was ALL me, not you. I am so very sorry for not being able to be the friend that you deserved. I’m sorry for abandoning you and leaving you without an explanation. Futhermore, I am sorry for causing any trust issues you may have in the future for anyone who is trying to be your friend. 

pexels-photo-46024.jpegI do have one friend, that no matter how long I go without talking to her, she never gives up on me. She’ll constantly call and harass me until I reply. Even if weeks go by without a word. Somehow, she’s always there. One time, I tried to purposely push her away. At the time, I was unable to see past my own issues and felt she would be better off without me as a friend, but she is relentless. She is a like my husband farts; no matter how far you go to get away, she still lingers. I love her to pieces and sometimes I feel I don’t deserve her. She never reads my blogs post, so she’ll never know much I love her being so dang annoying 🙂

Sometimes, I become sad when I think about how I don’t have many friends. But I think, they are better off. Until I learn how to better handle manic episodes when they occur, no one should be subjected to a part-time friend. People, especially good people, deserve better than that.

pexels-photo-279470.jpegIf you are friends with someone who suffers from a mental illness, please have patience with them. It is not an excuse, but during manic moments, we are not ourselves. Our brains are trying to make sense of the rapid emotions flowing through our body and our mind. Everything feels right but wrong. The sun is shining 24 hours out of the day, while the nights’ dark skies gloom in the background. Up is down and everywhere is nowhere.

Does anyone else struggle with maintaining any kind of relationship while dealing with a mental illness? I would love to hear how it is for you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts.

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… well not too humid, because you know… my hair. -Anonymous 

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52 comments on “I Suck At Maintaining Friendships

  1. Helpful! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good friend is rare, but with that they have a great value.They are always here for us and with us no matter what. Thank you for this post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You sound like the perfect best friend. Even if you have issues. We all fight with some problem or issue in this world. I have a bff and he is like you in ways. After reading this i see how i was neglecting my friend from his feelings. I made it seem like this was my friendship instead of our friendship. Because of my mental issues. So thank you for this post.inspiring and woke me up

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This all sounds oh so very familiar to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Awwhh! Great post but I feel for you on this! I’ve never really been one to have a lot of friends myself. I don’t have a disorder or anything, I’ve just never been one to hang with a lot of people. When I was younger, it kinda used to bother me but as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned.. the less the better! Less drama for the most part. I know a lot of people but there are only a few in my corner that I really call friends! They’re the ones who never make question their loyalty regardless. I kinda suck at maintaining friendships at times too! It’s never intentional. Sometimes, life just gets busy.. esp when you’re a mom! & that’s a mutual understand that my friends & I have! We always pick back up where we left off and it’s like the convos never ended! Great post girl! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: I understand her. – From The Darkness Into The Light

  7. Hi.I am a Bipolar rapid cycle 62 years old woman, a blogger like you.and I understand the pain and aggravation.
    God has been healing me and from terrible episodes of depression together with my Meds as well. The Lord has helped me to stop hurting myself and going in corners on the floor with a teddy bear or another stuffed animal. Most of the time just wrapping my arms around my legs. I know the pain. I have been on meds 20 years but only 6 years ago after a lifetime of this and another 2 illnesses, was able through Faith and the Love that God gives His children, to stop my weird, LOL involuntary behavior and also stop my self-pain infliction.
    I miss my creativity. I used to write with a deep and pleasant kind of language. Now, I barely do a little blogging. You saw my site… Please let’s talk about you if OK. I want to be the online friend u did not have yet that sticks to u just because of the love I would like to give you and help you if you have any questions I answer to.
    Please email me or we can keep the conversation going here.I am still learning how to use the blog site.I had 12 section of Schock therapy for depression. PLEASE NEVER DO THAT. Well, this is long LOL. Let me know if you are interested to talk, have a conversation to someone older and with a lot of experience in Mental Illness. talking and either way, I will remember you in my prayers.
    Pat, godandi.blog

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Yes. I have a very dear friend who is not on social media. Growing up we were so close that we had a bed at each other’s house. But today, he is retired while I still work 40 hours at my day job and every spare moment building my business. When we’re together it’s as if we never parted. But opportunity is rare.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Confession is good for the soul… Your honesty will help pave the way for a better you and opens the door for more endearing relationships. There will be someone that will not only understand, but won’t take it personal. Thank you for sharing, I sure you have helped someone.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Seeking God Part 5: Shame – Harotian Essentials

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